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I'm sorry to dump here, but I needed to write. This if for my mate that has just recently died. Feel free to read it if you wish and comment as you wish too. I wrote for her and my own needs. Peace to all...I loved you with a pure and simple love. For when we touched, my spirit was strong and my heart raced. You were always there for me. You licked my face to cheer me up and laid your head on my lap when I needed a friend. To the outside world, our love was a blasphemy of society. Yet our passion was intense and caring. No person in this world could have asked for more. You were tender, caring, patient, understanding and supportive to me. For fourteen years, you made me feel so special. You didn’t care who I was, what I did, or what I looked like. So long as I fed you, gave you plenty of water and gave you constant pets and hugs, you were my constant companion.So many fond memories I have of you. The times we would play ball together. The long walks we took around town and along the water. The long summer days we would swim and play in the lake. Yet, some of the most enjoyable times were when we sat together on the couch together, you with your head resting on my chest as I held you and petted your beautiful ears as we quietly watched TV together. I remember how you hated thunderstorms so badly; you would shake the bed so much. I had to hold you and talk quietly to you and stroke you until you calmed down to sleep again.I hated myself for all the stupid things I did to you. How my bad days at work made me scream and yell at you for nothing that you did wrong. I would be so mad at you; you would hide in the bedroom. Yet, you always came out and asked me for forgiveness. I realize now that you were never asking me to forgive you, but to forgive and forget what I was mad about. You looked at me with sad and concerned eyed that asked me to let go of my hate. How foolish I always felt, to be mad at the one person that loved me the most. How your love for me made me forget and forgive myself for my stupidity. Your love for me made me a better person then I could hope to be. You were always there for me when I needed you the most. Through thick and thin, we always held each other closely. I always gave you the best care I could. I made sure you were always current on your vaccines. You were properly licensed and tagged at all times. I made sure you always had enough to eat and drink. How sad I was when you had those two episodes in your life. The life threatening infection you got. I had to borrow money from my grandmother to make sure I had enough for your operation. How scared I was when I watched seizures cripple you. I always made sure you kept up your medication and watched your blood work levels. How cheated and angry I felt as I watched one of your major episodes rob you of your motor skills on your left side. To see you lose fifty percent control of your left side front leg. Yet, you always remained strong in spite of your age. As arthritis made it difficult for you to go up and down the stairs to the outside, you always tried so hard to do it yourself without help. But, eventually, you needed my help to give you support on good days and have me carry you on your bad ones.How powerless I felt as I watched your last few days here. To watch you stop eating no matter what I tried. I gave you steak, I gave you chicken and rice, and I even gave you the food I had made for myself. All you could do was stiff it and walk away. Your seizure pills I always wrapped in cheese for you that you loved you no longer could swallow. I had to put them into the back of your throat and I watched with sorrow as you choked and gagged on them. I feel like I could have done more for you, yet I felt powerless that I couldn’t stop it. No matter the years of training I had, how much school I attended, or what medications were available, nothing could stop death’s hand.How numb I felt inside as I watch your passing on from this world. How much I wanted to be with you and hold you before you died. Yet, I wasn’t strong enough for you. I had to leave you alone for my own selfishness. I knew when I came back you would be dead. I couldn’t watch it take you, despite how many times I’ve seen it before. What a coward I was for not being there when you were so scared and hurting. I ask you now for forgiveness on my part this one last time. For this one time when I really failed you the most in your life. Forgive me for being so weak when you needed me. Forgive my cowardice, as I couldn’t watch. Forgive me for all of the past sins I wrongly put on you. Forgive me please for my stupid and careless acts. No one person in this world for whom I loved so deeply and so much as you. Please, forgive me for my shortcomings and failings for I never meant to hurt or harm you. I loved you so much; I would gladly give you my life if I could. You were a better person then myself could ever hope to be.Now that you’re gone, I feel so sad and lonely. It’s my belief that we shall be together again in the next life. I can see you now still running in the grass and on the sandy beach of the lake. How your pain has been lifted and you’re happy and carefree. You’re enjoying a big steak right now like the one I made for you on your birthday. How I laughed so hard to watch you dance and lick your chops as I got your bowl from the floor and put it in. How merry you were and anxious as I began to carry it back to the floor. I even had to take it away from you twice because you tried to eat the whole thing in one gulp. I hope you wait for me patiently until we’re together again. I hope all your days are happy and merry once again. I’ve saved your collar and your ashes from your cremation. I’ve told my family that if I am to die, I want your ashes mixed with mine. For us to be together again, in spirit and body once more in the next world. To let our spirits be happy and to be together again. I will move on with my life here for now, I know you would want me to. The grief and heartache I have I will carry for some time. Perhaps I’ll even find love again in the future, but I will never forget your memory. You were my special friend; the one that knew me so well and always supported me. The one that always knew what to do to help me. The one that made me a better human being then I could be alone. I love you so very much; you were my soul mate, even if society could never truly understand what we had together. May you be at peace and may love always surround you. Take care and good-bye for now. I love you.HyBrithe Resurgam
Regret is the worst thing that you can have after a loss. Try not to look back and shake your head in shame at the times that you could have done better, but look back and comfort yourself with the love that you two shared. It is good that you expressed your feelings. Pain rots when it is locked up inside you, making your life miserable. The more you let it out, the better you will feel. Although it seems impossible, at some point you will be able to look back and laugh rather than look back and cry. Just trust that time heals wounds like these and that love only gets stronger with time. I am sorry for you loss and I hope you can manage. I hope this helps. We're all in this together when it comes to death.
Beautifully written. My time ease your pain and soften your grief. She will always be there in memories that will never die.LTD
This is so similar to the situation i am in right now (or about to be in) that i almost had to stop reading. I cried alot(and still am as i write this), and i hope that in the future you can feel better about what you have done to give your partner a better life.
you know, my friend just found out today that he lost his beloved girl in a car accident and it does hurt because he left her in the care of someone he trusted while he was gone. We can hate ourselves so much and wish we can go back in time and try our best to do better or see what we can do to make it easier. We tried our best and did our best in those last moments we give to our pets when, even if we dont know it till its too late. I am so sorry for your lost and I can tell you had a life bond with you pet, and a very strong one. She will always be with you and you will never be along because her memories are still alive in you. Im glad you wrote this for yourself because you are ready to be strong and heal. Though it is a long process just smile at the memories that she with you, have created.
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